Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Unsung Super Heroes: Embrace the Alphabet, X-Men Fans

x men

Enough with the X-men movies, already! There was one trilogy, then a prequel, than a bunch of unwatchable Wolverine pictures and now they've mashed the Wolverine, the prequels and the sequels into one giant steaming savory X-men Paella for us to gorge ourselves on. Well that's fine for the X-men -- all X-Men all the time. That must make them feel like a pretty darn welcome bunch of outcasts. But what about the other groups? Where are their movies? What other groups, you ask?
My point exactly!
Time for some schooling. Let's go right through the alphabet, at least the relevant letters. The letters that don't even get a bunch of loser super heroes ... well, we'll deal with their issues in a different post. Sorry, letter "L"! Go drown your trouble with "S" "T" and "W".
So first of all, you have the tediously religious A-Men.
Why they're outcasts: Who wants a group of heroes who have to pray before every fight and seek compassion for the super villains! Mongo the Living Firestorm is trying to burn down Manhattan! Stop him now! Forgive him later. And put away that collection plate! Mongo doesn't carry cash. Sheeesh.
Then there are the sad B-Men
Why they're outcasts: So many reasons. Cell phone tower radiation kills them, no one understands how they can fly, everyone mistakes them for wasps (who don't give a shit -- take a lesson from those wasps,  B-Men!) and though you may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, honey doesn't really help when you're going up against Magneto. A sweet, stcky Magneto is just a more irritable Magneto. Still Magneto, sorry.
Who next? The sexually obsessed C-Men
Why they're outcasts: Because they spend all day trolling for internet porn when they're supposed to be saving the world. Hello! Sign off and get busy!
Make way for the horrific D-Men.
Why they're outcasts: What can I say. No one likes demons. They're scary. And tossed-off quips like "What's wrong with destroying the world, anyway? Will there be torture and stuff?" don't help matters!
And how about the pushy self imprtant G-Men?
Why they're outcasts: Drunk FBI agents in stupid Halloween costumes? You tell me.
Then you have the geeky i-Men.
Why they're outcasts: Bad priorities. They'd rather argue about the 5G version of their powers than go out an use the 4g version and get the job done. Running away from a villain whining "We need upgrades!" doesn't make you a good role model. And how about that poor shlep they to didn't even bother to save because "He was a PC" and not only that -- "Aol e-mail? Let him die." Bad attitude, iMen.
Who's next? The hilariously irrelevant J-Men.
Why they're outcasts: When your only super power is crossing crowded streets against a red light, you're just going to annoy people. And get lots of tickets.
The lame pathetic K-Men?
Why they're outcasts: They agree to everything. They started out as the chirpy optimistic OK-Men, but now it's just a slap-happy gum-chewing "Kay!" "I'm going to take over the world and reduce all you puny humans to slavery!"
Just say no, K-Men.
Who else ... the eerie, prognosticating O-Men.
Why they're outcasts: No one wants to hear it! "Magneto is going to destroy the city!" Care to DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, buddy?!"
"And afterward, even worse mutants will trample the wreckage. And eat the suriviors."
Thanks for the heads up, Cassandra.
But they're better than the disgusting P-Men
Why they're outcasts: Why do you think?! They piss everywhere! Not just the shower, not just the pool. Everuwhere.How does that help anything? Some of these creepy villains actually like being pissed on. Here's a clue: don't charge after "Golden Showers Man" and expect to make any headway.
Then, we have the dutiful Q-Men and their tiresime sycophants, the U-Men
Why they're outcasts: You don't wait on line to attack a supervillain! You just go for it. They're not taking a number to destroy the city. "Ah, 29? I'll be here forever! If there's any city left after Mole Man and Elecrtro get through with it. Good thing I brought a book to read." And does every single one of you need to have a mindless toady U-Man standing behind you? That doesn't help matters. "I go where my Q-man goes. I'm having what Q-man 's having." Get a life! Take a trip on Qantas airlines! That sould be a nice wake-up call.
Now, the U-Men
Why they're outcasts: They pass the buck. They say "we delegate" but that's crazy talk. Giant evil creatures are turning the city to ice ... and the superhero asks me to pitch in? Are you kidding? Get off the phone, stop texting, put down the Latte and start SAVING THE WORLD. You don't have to ask your Q-Man for permission! Grow up.
Finally we come to the dreamy intellectual  Y-Men
Why they're outcasts: They think too much! We say, "The Vanisher and the Blob have teamed up with Unus the Untouchable and thr Shadow King! They want to take over thhe world!" You're supposed to say "We got this," or "On it." or "Y-Men awayy!"or something. Not "What do we speak of when we speak of the world? Is it merely the physical world? Or is it the aggregate of human culture we are discussing? Even if it's both, would saving it be a necrssary good? And what do we mean by the term "good" ?"
Jesus Christ on the crapper! Just shut up and save the world! This world! The one with no God where only your authentic actions matter. Authenticv actions like, oh, I don't know ...  saving the world, for instance! Don't ask yourself "What would Sartre do?" He'd get drunk and write an unreadable essay! In  French! THAT WOULD NOT HELP.
Last and least, the negligible Z-Men
Why they're outcasts: They just mope about always coming last. "Since when did the world have to do EVERYTHING in alphebetical order? Huh?" They gripe about standing for sleep "We're the banner boys for the narcoelptics! Yay." and standing for "Zebra" in every stupid alphabet book. "We hate zebras. They're just horses with accessories." Some evil mutant attacks they're like -- ask any of the other Letter-men.
Dangerous battles -- the one place where it's good to come last. Also, walking through minefields.
So there you are Hollywood. The full inventory of absurd super-heroes.
Get busy! You've got a lot of movies to make.

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