By a diabolical sequence of accidents and unforeseen circumstances, Mike Henderson's desperate last-minute trip from Nantucket to New York City, undertaken to save his marriage, winds up making him the one suspect in a major murder investigation with an obvious motive, great opportunity -- and no alibi. He winds up in jail, desperately trying to clear his name, looking at the possibility of life in prison ... but he'd still probably say the trip was more than worthwhile.
Mike Henderson arrived in
with the first blizzard of the
season. He rode behind the plow into the city from LaGuardia. The snow was
blowing horizontal and the wind whined like a table saw. Mike's flight had
almost been forced
back to New York Nantucket and the airport had closed a
few minutes after they were on the ground.
Mike sat in the back of the cab, trying to work the tension out of his hands, staring out the window at the whitened industrial outskirts of the city. "Clean it up with paint," his first boss had always said: no scrubbing or sanding, just a heavy layer of latex. "Don't make it right - make it white." That's what
looked like this morning:
filth and garbage covered over with pristine crystal. The snow itself would be filthy
He had only one chance here and he had almost blown it. If the plane had been turned back, if he had taken a later flight, even half an hour later, if this old Buick skidded on the icy Major Deegan ... and even if he made it into the city, there was no guarantee -
He was thrown against the side of the cab as the driver changed lanes abruptly.
"Hey! Slow down," Mike called out, through the pitted plexiglas barrier between them. But beyond street names and monetary denominations, the driver seemed to speak no English. He wore a turban and spoke continuously into a headset. He never paused to listen. Was it some elaborate prayer? Was he dictating a novel? Mike settled himself back in the seat again. It was irrelevant. The driver knew what he was doing. Mike needed to think about what he was going to say this morning. Everything depended on that. And his mind was a blank.
How had things gotten this bad? They had wanted a baby for years. Cindy had gotten pregnant two years before, but she had miscarried. That tragedy had revealed every weakness in their marriage. Cindy had been inconsolable and Mike had been shut out completely. It was her tragedy, it had happened inside of her. Mike had nothing to do with it. He could only intrude. When he tried to understand, he was presumptuous. When he tried to cheer her up, he was shallow. When he ignored her, as she seemed to want, he was heartless.
But it was even worse than that. Over time, she had come to blame the way they lived. She hated the seasonal panic of house painting on
Nantucket, as everyone scurried around looking for
interior work like woodland creatures trying to get inside for the winter, and
waited for final payments
and groveled to imperious general contractors. The constant stress had killed
the baby, that was Cindy's theory. It infuriated Mike. The doctors had no idea
what might have happened, the best minds in modern medicine were baffled; but
Cindy knew it was his fault. It was her body. That made her the final authority.
Mike didn't know; maybe she was right. The stress never let up. Even now he could feel it, like pressure on a bruise. Things had been the same two years ago, they'd been going through some other crisis: a lawsuit, a lost job, a late check. They always pulled through, Billy Delavane helped them make it through until the phone call came, and it always did, and he went from no work to hiring extra people overnight. But the constant uncertainty was damaging.. Painters got hypertension and ulcers and colitis from it. They had nervous breakdowns. They became alcoholics. Why not their wives?
But it was the same old bind: if he argued he was a bully, if said nothing he was unsupportive, if he agreed he was wimp. It was like trying to sleep when he'd torn his rotator cuff, in college: there was no comfortable position.
Cindy had held her grudge, clutched it tightly, like a little kid holding her bus fare, hurrying through a bad neighborhood. It had helped for a while, but she couldn't keep it up forever. Something like normal life resumed eventually. The wall stayed up, though. Mike couldn't reach her. They still talked, but the talk was more and more superficial; they made love, but less and less often. Still, somehow she had gotten pregnant again. It was a small miracle, really. Maybe it was fate.
Mike had been in her doctor's office once, when Cindy had came down with stomach flu on a visit to her parents. He remembered sitting for more than an hour in the dark wood paneled waiting room. P.S. 6 got out for the day sometime during the wait. He had listened to the shouts and laughter of the newly liberated kids across the street, loving the sound, wanting kids of his own.
Well, that's why he was here today.
The coffee shop on
was still there, right across from the school. He pushed inside out of the snow
and found a table near a
window. He was going to have to be here for a while. He should order breakfast.
But he couldn't
eat. He ordered coffee instead. That was a good default strategy: he could sit and sip for a while. He checked his
Office hours probably
didn't start until nine. Madison
The waiter brought his order, with a visible sigh. But the place was still uncrowded, so at least he wasn't taking up a table where real eaters and big tippers might be sitting. At least not yet. It was warm. He pulled off his coat and took a sip of coffee. It was strong and hot and it went down all right.
A cab pulled up across the street: the office nurse. The rest of the staff arrived over the next half hour. Mike drank two more coffees. He was starting to get wired. He asked for the check. He didn't want any delays when Cindy finally arrived. He watched the traffic, yellow taxis and buses half obscured by the gusting snow. The windows were steaming over; he'd be lucky to see her at all.
Finally, he couldn't sit still any more. He paid the check, left an extra five dollars tip, and walked out into the blizzard, zipping up his coat.
Her cab pulled up ten minutes later, just as he was considering going back inside. The light was green but it was about to go red. He sprinted across Madison Avenue. Cindy sensed the bulky figure moving toward her and looked up blankly. He hit a patch of ice on the sidewalk and skidded into her. They grabbed each other to keep from falling, an awkward little dance that ended with him sitting in the snow.
She helped him up.
"Graceful as always," she said, but with a smile to soften the words.
They stood holding each others' arms lightly, snow blowing between them, traffic coursing through the slush behind them.
"What are you doing here?," she asked finally.
"Can we go somewhere and talk?"
"I have an appointment -- "
"With Doctor Mathias. I know.
47 East 82nd
"I don't understand. How did you -- ?"
"I know what's going on, Cindy. I figured it out. I'm not an idiot. And I know you."
"Mike — "
"Can we go somewhere? Get out of the cold?"
"Let's just walk."
She stuck her hands in her coat pockets and started across
towards Madison Fifth Avenue.
Mike followed, looking around him at the heavy green copper-roofed old
snow gathering on their ornamental stonework. These were think tanks now,
embassies, foundation headquarters. But they had been residences once. They had
been built when the
details of craftsmanship mattered and no expense was spared. The wealth they
represented made the Nantucket trophy houses
look cheap and suburban by comparison. It was a different world, and Mike
feeling it was a better one. It was solid at least, rooted in
generations of privilege and civic responsibility. It was actually the perfect
location for this dispute. It embodied tradition and history. It had its own persuasions.
He took Cindy's arm and began.
"I was thinking about the last time we were in the neighborhood. You were sick, we thought they were going to take you to Lenox Hill. But Dr. Mathias took care of you. I remember sitting in the office, waiting, thinking how much I wanted to have kids."
"That was a long time ago."
"No it wasn't. It feels that way but it wasn't."
"Mike, I'm going to be late if I don't -- "
“Be late, it doesn’t matter. He always keeps you waiting for an hour anyway.”
“Not today. This is important.”
“I know. But we have to talk.”
“There’s nothing to say. We’ve already said it all. I’m tired of talking. It just makes things worse.”
“You don’t have to say a word. Just listen. I was on to something back there. Let me finish.”
She glanced at her watch. “Fine. What? What is it?”
“Okay. Good.” He took a breath, then launched. “That moment, sitting in the Doctor’s office, listening to the kids getting out of school across the street … it changed things. Sex felt different after that. It seems like we spend our whole adult lives dodging pregnancy, fighting against it, you know? Trying to slip a little pleasure past the reproduction police. And all of a sudden we were trying to conceive a child. Part of it was not using birth control. Just being unencumbered, I guess. But it felt pure, like there was nothing between us and the consequences of what we were doing. Like, the consequences were what we were doing. The orgasm almost didn't matter. It was just the starter's gun. You know? It was scary. But it was good. It was like sky diving without a parachute, except when we hit the ground we weren't going to die. Someone else was going to be born."
Cindy looked down. "Well, it didn't work out that way. "
"No. I know that."
"I wish you'd said some of this stuff then."
"I tried to. But it was just a jumble. I needed time to think about it."
"Maybe you took too much."
“So it’s too late?”
“Maybe it is. Things happen and then they’ve happened and you can’t do anything about it you can’t change anything.”
“This is nuts. You don’t believe this shit. You’re just scared.”
“Yes I am. Of course I am! How could I not be scared?”
“Cindy -- ”
“You’re supposed to be helping with that. You’re supposed to make me feel safe.”
“Jesus Christ! Why do you think I came down here?”
“I don’t know. Why did you come here? I mean it. You flew down here in a blizzard, God knows how you paid for the ticket, and you staked out the doctor’s office since God knows when in the morning. You’re half frozen. For what? I really want to know.”
He stopped walking, took her hands, faced her down.
"I want this baby, Cindy."
She looked away, watching a Great Dane pulling a slim man on a taut leash. A woman was coming around the corner with a pair of King Charles spaniels. The dogs sniffed each other, the leashes tangled.
"That's not your decision ," Cindy said.
"Yes it is. Part of it is. That's what you never understood. You still don't get it. This is happening to both of us. Just like it happened to both of us before. I lost a baby, too, Cindy."
"Mike — "
"I lost a baby, too."
There was a strange moment of stasis then. He could actually feel the words, the meaning of the words, piercing her finally, penetrating her like a spear through a fish: a moment of anger replaced by sadness and then guilt and then something else; something he couldn’t name that contained all the other emotions and held a kind of submission, an acceptance of the identity between them. Her expression was like sunlight on stone, shifting under swift-moving clouds.
But so fast: it was just a couple of seconds, then she was in motion, flinging herself at him in an impulsive hug, knocking him back a step into a big car, its make and model anonymous under a great loaf of snow. They held each other tight through their heavy coats.
She was crying.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's okay. I love you. Cindy - it's okay."
She pulled away and looked up at him, tears glittering in her eyes, snow glittering in her hair.
"What a pair of fuck-ups we are."
He kissed her. "I know. But we'll stop. We'll be better. We'll have to be better. We're going to be setting an example now."
"We can do it. Our parents did."
She smiled. "Don't set the bar too low, Mike."
They pushed off the car and walked on, across
past the museum and along the park wall.
"It doesn't matter about Mark Toland," he said after a while. "I deserved that. And so did you."
"Well, I needed it, anyway."
"As long as it's over."
"It barely began."
"Good. It balances things. It settles the score."
"Not really. I didn't sleep with a co-worker, or make you the subject of choice for every malicious gossip on the island. You never had to stand making small talk with Mark Toland at a party."
"No. But it still hurt."
"Did it really?"
"Thinking of you with that guy? Jesus."
"You were jealous?"
"Actually, I found the whole thing strangely erotic."
She punched his arm. "You're sick."
They walked along quietly for another block. The snow was coming down more heavily now, muffling their footsteps and cutting them off from the gauzy buildings across the street and the Christmas card shadows of the park.
"There are just two things you have to do for me," Cindy said as they crossed the transverse entrance at
"First, just keep talking to me." She grabbed a handful of his hair, shook it. "I want to know what's going on in there. I know I've been shitty to you. I can be a jerk. But just tell me so from now on. Don't just nod and go off to work another seventeen hour day. Whenever some painter's wife tells me her husband is on the job until nine every night, all I can think is, your marriage is in trouble, honey. If it wasn't, he'd be home. No one has to work until every night, unless they're on some corporate fast track. And you're not."
"So come home early and talk to me. If I take your head off, I'll make it up with sexual favors. I promise. At least until the baby arrives."
"Fair enough," Mike said. "What's the other thing?"
"It's about Tanya Kriel."
"What about her?"
Cindy gave him her sweetest smile. ”Fire the bitch.”
"Done," Mike said. "As soon as we get home. But right now, since this is the first time we've been off-island together in six months, I'd like to take out for a fabulous breakfast, a tour of the new
even an early movie before we fly back." Museum of Modern Art
“Lunch at Papaya King?”
“Absolutely. Five star all the way.”
She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. "Thanks, Mike," she said. "I mean it. Thanks for coming. It's the best thing anyone's done for me since ... I don't know. Since my Dad drove all the way up to
take me out of that horrible
outward bound summer camp. God, I was so happy to see that old Dodge Caravan
coming up the camp road. I started crying right on the spot. No, this was better
This may be the best thing ever." Maine
"Throw in a plate of pesto scrambled eggs, some great art and a drastically maudlin chick flick with all the popcorn you can eat, and we may never top this."
"Just wait eight months," she said.
Then she took his hand and they started east through the curtain of snow, toward breakfast and the rest of their day.