Thursday, June 03, 2010

American Idol: Some Questions About the Finale

The show's two hour blow out rivals "Lost" for it's cluster of bizarre mysteries and unanswered questions.

Inquiring minds want to know:

How does Paula really feel about Simon Cowell and the show? She was teary-eyed, one minute, and insutingly bitter the next (What was that line about the man boobs?). Anyway, it was nice to see some unstable craziness back on center stage.

How is Brett Michaels even walking around? Wasn't he basically dead a week ago?

How many of the midwestern tween speed-dial monsters who made what-his-name the most forgettable Idol since Taylor Hicks have actually heard of Joe Cocker, or The bee Gees, or Hall and Oates ... or even Alanis Morissette (isn't she that actess from Weeds?)-- or even Janet Jackson? (She's so Twentieth Century).

How short is Ryan Seacrest? And how smarmy and annoying can he be without actually imploding?

Where the hell was David Cook? I mean --seriously. Did his Mom just die? Did his visa expire when he was in Africa with Idol Gives Back? Every winner from the show was there, except him, and he was my favorite. So what's up? They never mentioned him. He's an unperson.

What the hell happened to Kelly Clarkson? She looked fat and exhausted and miserable. And how did they coerce her onto the show? I hope it wasn't by force-feeding her Mars bars.

What the hell was Carrie Underwood wearing? It looked like the failed haut couture effort of some bitter Project Runway loser on the week when they had to make clothes out of kitchen items ("I started with tin foil and cut up some pot holders ... it makes a statement, I don't care what the judge think.")

Speaking of Carrie ... what was up with that horrible song? A stutter is not a hook.

And can Kara write music, or is that collaboration with Carrie really the best she can do? What would Simon have said about it ("If this was a thousand years ago, they'd have stoned you to death.")

Didn't Ellen deGeneres used to be funny? Or was that her evil twin. And why are the evil ones so much more entertaining?

What the hell was Simon saying about the audience being the greatest judges? From season one where they booted Tamyra Grey to last night when they snubbed a major talent and gave Mr. potato head the crown, they have proven themselves to be infantile, tone deaf and idiotic over and over again.

Speaking of Simon ...

How do they think they can have show without him?

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