Sunday, July 12, 2009

Urgent Questions for Superheroes

These issues have been troubling me lately. The comic books don't provide the answers and the comic book movies don't care.

How can Batman be a super hero with no super powers? All he has is an attitude and a garage full of cars. Jay Leno has that stuff. Is he fighting crime?

Captain America isn't much better. Why doesn't he retire already? There's no more Nazis to fight, un less he wants to break up some Aryan Brotherhood meeting in Podunk. He doesnt even have a car. He's a defrosted acrobat in a flag suit. Philippe Petit is much cooler.

Ant man? I mean seariously -- that's a power? You get to shrink to the size of an insect. Yikes, I just stepped on the superhero! I want to be powerles and icky but be able to lug crumbs of bread from the villain's pic nic. I don't think so.

I guess they figured this one out. Now he takes a pill and becomes "Giant Man" Ask any giant about that gig (like that "Jewish Giant" that Diane Arbus photographed). Also -- do his clothes shrink and grow with him? Because he could make a fortune just with that gimmick. Your wardrobe shrinks with you when you diet! Alternatively ... it would kind of blow the "I wear the same pants size I wore in high school" bragging rights. "Yeah -- because they expanded eight sizes right along with you, Blimpie."

The Justice League of America. Is this for otherwise unemployable superheroes, or are they just getting desperate? Metal-Easter Lad? I mean, seriously -- how much metal really needs to be eaten in the course of an average day?

Does Spiderman ever have the uncontrollable urge to eat bugs? Maybe he wants to eat Ant Man.

Fantastic Four, Avengers, at al: where do all the supervillains come from? Do you get your own supply with the powers, kind of like a starter kit? Because real superheroes would juat sit around most of the time. "Ooo, there a shop-lifter. There's someone jay-walking. Let's sweep down on them with our superpowers." What a snooze.

And if you were a guy like Dr. Doom, would you really call yourself that? If you represented the dark side of things in a comic book universe, would you really call yourself Darkseid? You think you're going to fool people who can't spell?

Aquaman: How much crime really needs to be fought underwater? Illegal salvage operations? Abalone poachers? Basically he's just a lifeguard.

And Namor, the King of Atlantis -- why not just stay there? You're king. Hire AquaMan to run security for you. On earth you're just a guy with wings on his ankles.

Or if he has to bother us, why do the villain thing? It doesn't suit him. There's other jobs available. Talk about Abalone divers! Or he could be the best big wave surfer EVER. I'd like to see that.

What happens to the actual Thor when the puny Doctor guy isn't being him at any given moment? Does he just sit around watching TV somewhere -- Survivor Asgard and Valhalla's Funniest Dragons on Animal Universe?

Superman: what's with the Krypton? Hello -- it's chunks of his home planet and it can kill him? No wonder he left.

Also -- he has x-ray vision which means he has the incredible luxury -- I would kill for this! -- of being able to read with his eyes closed when he's exhausted and lying in bed after a hard day of doing Good Deeds.

So ... if you're reading with your eyes closed using x-ray vision ... are your eyes really closed? Inquiring minds want to know.

Finally -- would Iron Man win an Iron Man compettition? Clanking when he runs, wobbling along on a bike .... and swimming? In that metal suit? He'd sink like a stone and rust on the bottom.

All the sad ironies of super-hero-dom.

All the questions that will never be answered.


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